The past week has been hell for me. Give and take. I have not been sleeping for 8 hours a day since I’ve started Law School which began last June, and to be honest I am so f*cking over this,
I ask myself…
“what the f*ck was I thinking?”
You see, being a regular under graduate student was not as stressful as this. This sh*t is the next level, and you might wonder why I have allowed myself to be tortured into this abyss of infinite tears and blood shedding, gut wrenching course. Simple. All for that four letter prefix, that A-T-T-Y at the beginning of your name, the prestige it comes with calling you Attorney.
With that comes sacrifices. Sacrifice is the language of love. It’s more than love you’ll sacrifices, it’s money, time, sleep, rest, joyful memories of not caring in the world and health. Most importantly sleep. Yeah, sleep.
Now, with that on your table, you better choose wisely on how you’re supposed to spend your “time” because time is your numero uno enemy in Law School, nyeeeeh seconded by the professors. Just kidding, I love them. hehe. You’ll ask for more time to read cases, more time for reading books, and more time for studying.
YUP. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU’D SEE THE DAY I WRITE ABOUT ASKING FOR MORE TIME ON STUDYING. (today is that day Satan!)
Especially studying. While undergrads enjoys a passing score of half the perfect score, us Law Student have to make sure we get at least 75 of a 100, that means you’re only allowed to have 25 points for mistakes. 25 mistakes. You go above that you’re dead, you are not worthy to become a Law student. Disgrace on your score, disgrace on white notes, disgrace on your family!
and as for me? DISGRACE ON MY FAMILY!
like—bruh’ when I was in undergrad I didn’t study, but I still got a 89 on my exams. Now that I’m in Law School, I study twice, thrice as hard as I used to, but I still get a 40. Sadnu?
To be honest, I am doubting myself if my decision is right. If what I am doing right now, is something I really wanted to do or was it just because my parents wanted to become a doctor or lawyer but never had the guts to do so. So now they’re implying their dreams on me, like… what if I wanted to be a cheese maker, ya’ll ever asked me that?
Right now though, I’m just f*cking terrified. Although I am doubting myself, I also want this badly. It’s like—I’m already here, might as well make the best out of it. But of course, that is easier said than done.
Cause I’m terrified. I’m terrified that I’ll have to break it to my parents that I have failing grades, I’m terrified that I’ll learn that I’ve failed a subject even though I know I’ve studied well enough, I’m terrified that my friends and classmates will see me as the dumb one in our room, I’m terrified that’ll always be a failure to your eyes.
I am just f*cking terrified.
I’m terrified that my professors will see me as the weakling in our class, I’m terrified that people will think I am just wasting my time in this university, I am terrified that my disorder can be a hindrance to my dreams, I’m terrified that one day I might not be able to read or write.
I am terrified of something I am not even sure of.
How can I be terrified of something I am not sure of or something I don’t even know? Silly how our minds plays tricks on us, compelling us to think scenarios that can be the reason of our growing fear even if that scenario does not exist.
So this is me, writing away my angst and fears. Writing on how I am so terrified to face my white notes that bears my score in one of our major subject, that I don’t even have a clue if I failed or passed.
This is me over thinking sh*ts.
THIS IS YOU WHEN YOU LET YOUR OVER IMAGINATIVE BRAIN RUN ITS COURSE.
So guys, don’t let fear and being terrified get the best of you. Because it will. and It will suck. Take it from me, I took our finals earlier and now I’m writing in my pyjamas, drinking milk tea and crying half of my brains out because I AM PSYCHING MYSELF THAT I FAILED MY PERSONS EXAMS.
There will always be a time where you brain goes wild and would let you think up things that would make you quit. Especially in circumstances where you feel like the whole world is against you and that life is literally going to get you, like Pennywise doesn’t chill for 27 years or something. Like that stuff. You just need to find your balance, locate that equilibrium in yourself, check all those chakras if they’re in motion and in line with your center. Be with nature, be the nature. Be a fucking tree.
You guys think that I’m saying this for you? Naah, this goes both ways, this is for me and you. Mostly for me, this is the I’m-so-positive-I-don’t-care-what-the-world-throws-at-me-self and I’m giving this pep talk to my “law student self” who is right now inside a coffin tryna bury herself 6 feet underground.
NOTE TO SELF: stop over thinking, stop being terrified, and stop being so negative about life in Law School.
Yes, Law School will literally ruin you for the rest of your life, eating you alive in the dog-eat-dog world, but hey…at least I get to experience it right?
So cheer up, life is not going to end if I fail my subject.
Life will only be terrifying if you allow it to become one.
For my sad ass crying herself out. Cheer up self!