Throwback to 2015 me

Everyone wants to finish college with a BANG! some do it with Latin honors draping on their necks, some do it with a bun in the oven and others, like for example me, doesn’t really care as long as we graduate. Or so I thought.
Rewind 3 years ago, I was in a long term relationship with someone whom I thought was the one. I mean, we’ve been through ups and downs, we’ve encountered a lot of obstacles for a couple who aren’t even married yet. We argued like an old couple and after that would be like on our honey moon stage. We both we’re in love. The only thing missing was us, getting married. I loved him. Damn! did I loved him! Looking back at it, I did crazy things for him, I did a lot for a guy who I wasn’t even carrying his last name. We started dating 2008 when I was 14 or 15 (I’m not good with numbers) and he was around 19 or 20, I was in high school, he was a senior in college (pretty neat huh?) and we just hit it off after that. He was my prom date. How time flies.
Then the day. October 2012, we we’re in rough seas, we had a couple arguments here and there but nothing serious, or it was only me who thought that way. By the end of the month, he was with another girl, he dumped me. It crushed me. Like grinding solid rocks into fine sand. It was like getting hit on the face. With a metal chair. At 250 mph. With no hesitations. It was excruciating, I couldn’t bare the pain. I was shattered. The last years of my life revolved around him. He was my life. It was like, I was dead. All things reminded me of him, songs, places, food…even the shampoo reminded me of him. He had my heart for almost 5 years, then suddenly taking it away, pounding it into tiny dust, so tiny it can fit in the eye of a needle. He turned my love for him into dust. I was nothing to him now, except someone who used to love him. The reason why he left me for another girl? She was a Latin Honor Student, finishing with the out most color there is, and that she was pretty and maybe good in bed. Well, she must have been good in bed.
For weeks I blamed myself for letting that happened, I didn’t even fought back to keep him. I asked him, even on Wednesdays, even if I could only see him on Wednesdays I would be fine with that. I begged the man I loved for 5 years, that it was fine with me even if I could only see him one day a week. Pathetic huh? That’s how much I loved him, I would certainly do anything. The blaming continued until no tears we’re running from my eye sockets. I blamed myself for the action another person did against me.
Fast forward~ I ask myself, how can a damaged girl ever love another person again? Frankly speaking, I don’t know. I mean, after that break up, I never had another relationship. I didn’t want another relationship, I was too afraid to get my heart broken, I could only do good with a duct tape, some glue and band-aid to stitch this sucker up. It was pretty broken up. If I explain it it’s like, my heart isn’t whole anymore– there will always be some parts of my heart with him, some parts aren’t even in the right spot. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle when you force the wrong puzzle into the wrong pattern, it eventually gives up and snugs in. That’s what happened to my heart. Beaten, because I forced it to heal even if it wasn’t ready yet.
My last year of school, I wasn’t planning on having a bang because I was too preoccupied to finish college and get it done with. Our curriculum requires us to have a 200 hour practicum, serendipity.
You guys know that word? Anyways, December 2014. Ever had that feeling of NOT liking someone but at the same time you want him for yourself but also at the same time you don’t want too. I have that feeling towards this person (WHOM WILL NOT BE NAMED FOR SECURITY AND DRAMA REASONS). I always tell myself to never fall in love/ in like with someone famous, because you’ll have your heart broken. REALLY! He’s famous and everyone has a crush on him, and everybody says he’s good looking but then I don’t see it, LIKE I HAVE A CHANCE WITH HIM?! I don’t find him attractive in any whatsoever way. I just don’t, I didn’t even know he existed until I was on my ojt days. I didn’t find him attractive, or so I thought (again).
Maybe because, I didn’t know I like him. Maybe because, the feeling didn’t register in me. Maybe because, the feeling was so alien that I didn’t know how to handle it. But a friend of mine knows. And know did she. She immediately start pushing me towards him, teasing me every single time we saw each other (and it was pretty often), I keep resisting of course. I mean…the feeling didn’t register. I didn’t know how to handle these kind or reaction. I was lost, in deep shit, if you will. I didn’t know how to handle these alien feelings and honestly I was getting pretty fucked up. I couldn’t function well, I was tense, stress and above all that I have my thesis coming on. How do I handle this?
~I do, what I do best. Pros and Cons. Yes, I seriously weighed in the pros and cons on liking him. First of course the cons win, like every single time, I made sure the cons win. Like every single time. Like for days I would weigh in, made the cons win, made myself believe I didn’t like him. Bla bla bla bla. Who am I kidding?
I like him. A lot.
My reactions made me smile, I finally figured it out~ I was too afraid to admit that I like him, too afraid that I’d get hurt or I might hurt him. Too afraid that he wouldn’t like me back. Too afraid that he’d reject me because I wasn’t pretty enough or smart enough for him. I was just too afraid. But screw that!
So this is now, the present. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not. I like him, not because he’s a model, not because he’s Mr. *** , not because he’s good looking or a good dancer, NO! I like him because, he’s him. And that he doesn’t need to change a single damn thing, he’s damn adorable when he scrunches his lips to the sides when he’s thinking, when he’s trying to be dorky and just let off that amazing grin of his, when he puts his hands in his pocket while waiting for the papers to be signed or when he’s sitting and his eyes meets mine, and whenever he’s in his “hinangag” phase
And when he called me cute 🙂
I like him. Maybe, there’s a chance. A chance I might be able to give away love, other than giving love back to me by myself. Even if I’m this damaged, I’m willing to work it out. Because you guys don’t know how the extent of me being afraid of falling in love, but now you guys know. I don’t want a relationship, I want a REALtionship. So I guess I’ll be ending my year on that note, actually giving a chance on this word they call love.
Next step: HAVE THE COURAGE TO ACTUALLY TALK TO HIM. or maybe small talks will do.
9:51 P.M, January 14, 2015
(listening to M83’s Intro and Oasis’ Wonderwall)

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