Never being “that” Girl, and being “this” Girl

I’ve never been that girl.

That girl who comes out of a relationship and instantly finds herself in another effortlessly. Like it was destiny somehow, I guess it was just never destined for me to be that girl. I guess we grew up knowing who were the pretty ones and who weren’t, now that we’re adults the pressure to look good comes from so many different places, from the media, boys, it’s absolutely everywhere.

Being not that girl, it’s difficult, you’ve never had guys confess their unyielding love for you, that girl who people can never stop talking about how pretty they are, the girl who could get guys buy them drinks at the bar with just a wink of an eye, effortlessly.

like it was destiny. 

I guess it was never destined for me to be that girl.

It could mess you up so bad not being that girl, you think to yourself,

Am I not pretty enough?——Am I not cute enough?

We mostly want validation from a guy, a good looking guy to be able to feel that we could be that girl. Sometime we just want to be that girl. That girl who knows how to flirt properly, that girl who could put her make-up on flawlessly, that girl who could post a photo on instagram and not find a million insecurities. I know I shouldn’t let this things bother me and define my femininity, but they do.

It’s like having a lack of male attention to this world is seen as an abnormality. It is seen as less than womanly, less pretty,  I am always forced to ask myself,

What is wrong with me?

Maybe because I was never destined to be that girl.

Maybe because I was destined to be something more. To be that girl who just lives her life, that girl who loves herself for who she is and doesn’t rely on male attention to make herself feel alright, that girl who knows what she wants and fights until it’s hers, that girl who still has insecurities but at the end of the day, just says, WHATEVER, because we all know who really runs this world.

I want to be that girl, this is who I want to be.


For Peng.

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